The last thing a single parent wants is to rush impetuously into a relationship with someone who is not a fit for their kid(s). However, as one single parent discovered, there are good reasons to wait to introduce kids and lovers. In this article: Why and how to protect children by keeping new partners away for the first year.
The Concept and Creator
Former single parent, Beverly Kiltoff of Duvall, Washington entered the dating scene with two young children. Determined to find the man of her dreams, she set out without much of a game plan. The crucial item to consider was: How long do I wait to introduce him to the kids?
Early on she dated one man for several months before introducing him to her children. They all became very attached to each other. When the relationship did not work out, it was especially difficult for the children to lose that connection. That is when Bev decided she needed a rule.
"I knew I wanted to get married again. I also knew that I did not want to be that mom who goes through a string of boyfriends right in front of the kids." Bev decided to continue dating, but not to introduce anyone to her kids until they had made it to a certain point in the relationship. The simple rule she decided to follow: wait one year, or until an engagement.
Keep it Separated
A deep, loving connection takes time and energy to develop. It is unfair to the children to take that time and energy away from them and give it to someone new. Children may grow resentful and feel abandoned. This is especially true if the relationship ends. Children who have developed connections suffer when they lose people they love. Keep these points in mind:
- Children tend to have abandonment issues after a divorce. Do not risk adding to this.
- Children may feel cheated when they see you giving your energy to someone else. (Kiltoff)
- Intimate relationships need time and space to develop. (Kiltoff)
Apply the Rationale
Protecting and nurturing healthy relationships takes skill. Beverly says, "The relationships your children have are modeled off the relationships they see their parents have." Apply the rationale of the rule by keeping these points in mind:
- Be present: When with your children be present with your children, given them undivided attention. When with your significant, be there in that moment. For the first year of the relationship, continue to be a great parent, and work on developing the intimacy in your new relationship.
- Be honest: Continuously do reality checks on your relationship. Is it healthy? Is it thriving? Most importantly, is it going anywhere?
- Be transparent: When you get close to the end of the year, check to see if the relationship is solid and headed for marriage and be transparent about your expectations. Can he/she imagine a life with you as part of a family? Ask all the big questions before taking that leap that will change the relationship forever.
The Big Picture
The one year rule asks that parents respect their bonds with their children and their special someone. Single parents can have a fulfilling dating life and nurture healthy long-term intimate relationships. The key is to ensure that the children’s interests are protected, and that the intimate connection has a chance to grow roots.
Source
Kiltoff, Beverly. Personal Interview. 20 November 2008.
Rachael Scott - Rachael Scott is a Seattle based poet and freelance writer. Her interests are wide ranging and include writing, art, business, ...
